Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Cycle
As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Asking Questions
This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.
Accepting Myself
I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.
Exploring the Causes
A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.
How Therapy Can Help
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Useful Strategies
Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.
Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.
This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.